Sunday, October 30, 2011

First post

DISCLAIMER - this is an introductory post. While I'm sure there is some humor to be found, it isn't up to the par I'd like it to be. So if you find yourself liking my blog and wanting to know from whence and from whom it came, read on. If you just want humorous observations and other such silliness, continue to post 2.

So, sitting awake in my dorm snacking on peanuts and Pepsi*, I decided it would be a fantastic idea to start a comedy** blog in case the whole "college" thing doesn't work out. I hear some morons in Zoot Suits*** actually pay people to do this, if they get popular enough.

As the title of the blog may imply to the perceptive reader, I will mostly be relaying humor by way of satire (defined as a method of reducto ad absurdum**** in which the author uses humor to illuminate a flaw or flaws within a system) and sarcasm (some call it the lowest form of humor, but I think I'm pretty brilliant at it).

Since I generally agree with Socrates in so much as the general populus is less educated than I am*****, I will be explaining anything (except jokes - you should just understand those) with which I think a person may have difficulty understanding in the form of footnotes, denoted by astricks. I will also use these as disclaimers, when necessary.

So, I guess first posts often include personal details about the author? Sure, why not?

Well, my name is Kevin, and I've been sober for about 11 minutes now.****** Really, though, I have something called Asperger's Syndrome, which is a mild form of Autistic Spectrum Disorder. It's characterized by a lack of understanding of social conduct (in conversation: girl - "Do these pants make my butt look big"; me - "No, but the light reflected off of your massive thunder thighs into my retinas does")*******, a special interest in a particular topic (that caused me to be misdiagnosed as OCD at one point, when the head-doctors were trying to figure out why I was so screwed up and were too scared of my mom to label me a sociopath -- more on that later)********, a detachment from the world (generally meaning we're very introverted, though we tend to be good at acting extroverted), and some other things. Look:

for you tl'drs out there: I see the world differently than you do, so I can make (hopefully humorous) observations and point them out here.

In other news, I have a ridiculous friend named Stephen who, outside of having an amazing afro, is completely ridiculous. So when I'm feeling dry on material, I may end up rehashing a conversation I had with him.

I have an incredibly patient girlfriend called Beka, who does her best to put up with my ridiculousness*********.

I have an amazing sister, Kylie. If this blog thing ever gets popular, let it be known that the Kylie [last name omitted] that I am friends with on Facebook is the real one, and none of the other posers using her name and/or picture are! I swear, the girl has more people wanting to be her than Marilyn Monroe**********.

Anything else you need to know about me will be learned in subsequent post through humorous anecdotes.

Also, if you find my subsequent posts funny (or thought provoking, whatever) - link me to anyone and anywhere (without spamming, nobody enjoys that). Please and thank you.

*I do not endorse Pepsi, nor am I paid to do so.
**At the very least, I think I'm funny.
***This one's for you, Allie ( - I love your stuff.
****Reducto ad Absurdum - literally, "reduced to absurdity." A type of logic in which a claim is taken to it's end, and that end is implausible. A famous (ish) example would be Schrodingger's Cat thought experiment, in which he proposed a ridiculous notion of a cat being dead and alive simultaneously (committing the duality fallacy, otherwise known as the fallacy of contradiction) to show how ridiculous he believed Heisenberg's theories to be.
*****According to Plato, his student, that is. Also, massively paraphrased, taken out of context, and exaggerated.
******Sarcasm. My brain cells are far too precious to waste on drugs or alcohol. Also, I REALLY need to figure out how to superscript, so I can use numerical footnotes instead of adding (n+1)* every time.
*******Hyperbole. Obviously (by now) I know that isn't acceptable behavior unlesss I'm joking. It's not that I don't understand anymore, but I had to learn things that were intrinsic to other people.
********For me, however, because I learn so quickly, I burned through these special interests like they were a hydrocarbon in the prescence of oxygen, so now I know a lot of stuff about a lot of stuff.
*********Sometimes, aspies require alone time. Lots, at once. And I know it's hard for her to deal with, and I really do appreciate it. See! I have feelings, of sorts. I was going to write 'sort of' but I didn't want to end my sentence with a preposition.
**********Actress. Considered a sex idol. Slept with JFK, pre-assassination. And I REALLY need to learn superscripts.

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